Hardened heart is hard…
I had a 2-hour conversation with Andrew today. It was about missions. Nothing new, as this is a topic we have discussed very early on in our relationship. And somehow it never really left us with a happy feeling or some sort of closure, because the truth is, there’s too many “I don’t know’s”, too many “What if’s”, but not enough faith. Mainly on my part.
I kept replaying what I said in my head, “What if I don’t want to do it?”, “What does it take for me to have the same kind of conviction as him?”
Then I realised something, and I am deeply troubled. It’s more than just not enough faith. It’s something much more serious.
I realised that my heart has gradually hardened for some unknown period of time. Unknown because my heart has never really been there to keep track. I have been sitting on the fence, been a Christian that’s not too far from a marginal one, for too long. There is no daily bible reading, no daily quiet time with the Lord, haphazard prayers on days when I am “in the mood.” Perhaps it started with decreased desire of meeting with fellow Christians with some too easy excuses, too much work and too little time. Perhaps the sclerotic process started even earlier, or it never really went away ever since I became a Christian?
I don’t have the same kind of joy and excitement when someone becomes a Christian, which I should.
I don’t actively share the gospel with my parents because I don’t think they will ever receive the Christ, which I should.
I no longer have the kind of understanding (or have I ever had?) and anticipation for His return or for the eternal life as promised to each Christian. I can’t see it. I can only see what’s in front of me, which is work upon work. And I shouldn’t.
I don’t want to spend time going to fellowships, I don’t want to spend time studying the bible with fellow Christians, I don’t want to attend events that are health for my spiritual relationship with God. What do I want? I just want to sit and study because I have too much to study and too little time to do it.
What has become of me?
Christian is no longer who I am, but more just like a name tag so that I can appear to be belonging to the family of Christ.
I think I need help. I ask myself: “When was the last time I “rejoiced exceedingly with great joy” or “fell to the ground and worshiped Him”? What keeps me from sensing this kind of awe on a regular basis? And what could help to keep me in a state of mind and spirit that is routinely amazed at who Jesus is?”
