Aching heart.

It was a very successful surprised birthday party today for our dear friend Sharon at Pastor Ben’s. The catered food was just amazing. I simply could not resist the eggplants. I may have ingested more than 10 pieces. People-wise, a good 30 people showed with hungry belly and their usual happy self. Mostly fellow YFers with 2 visiting couples from Clay. There was an ice cream cake topped with mini ice cream cones. It was rather ice creamly delicious! Present-opening time! The present Ger got was a food processor, it was, HUGE! Well, the box was, and it’s something Sharon has always wanted! C’est parfait! Chris and Rodney brought their DSLR cameras and were the unofficial yet loved photographers throughout this happy gathering. After all the food and cake goodness, we all sat and let the postprandial take over, in the form of good conversation or intense Wii or non-stopping playing with the DSLRs.

I was happy because I was fed good food and got to play with the DSLR. Oh, and talking to Rodney was rather fun as well. This amazing friend of his, Brendon, that he kept telling me about, indeed sounds quite amazing. Having travelled and lived in India then Taiwan then Thailand and worked in the peace corps and now residing in New York. I say Rodeny’s got some pretty funny American humor going on.

In my heart, though, I kinda felt…guilty? Pastor Ben’s places and fellow YFers should be so familiar to me that I shouldn’t need to feel “oh, it’s been a while since I was here,” or ask people that I had already met for their names. I forgot about them because it’s been too long since I see them at YF due to my absence.

I should feel like I belong to this happy family, and indeed I do, and no one seems to have raised any objection to my presence at least. However, I kind of feel I don’t anymore because I have not been a good Christian like everyone else who deserves this wonderful family. I even disliked the all-too-Singaporean culture and thought that just wasn’t my style. What have I lost? I think it’s more than what I can describe with words. People asked, “Kim! How come you don’t come to YF anymore?” Faith said to me, “Kim, thank you for the e-mail. I hope to catch up with you soon!” So…seems like the deal is that people still see me as part of YF, part of this wonderful family, even though I have turned my back towards them.

Well, perhaps this shouldn’t come as a surprise, but as a consequence I knew too well since the day I turned my back towards God.

Funny, since I didn’t grow up in a Christian family and was only exposed to Christianity in university, I should know better the difference between life with God and life without God. Perhaps I was too young to have a better discernment. But I am not young anymore, so I should know better and do better. It’s not like I didn’t know the sweetness of God’s love and all the grace and blessing He has never ceased giving me. I know, yet I choose to look elsewhere. I know I am causing Him to anger and grieve, just like how the Israelite were. Yet God did not forsake them.

Will God eventually give up on me because I am such a stubborn, rebellious person? (I wouldn’t even dare claim to be His child anymore)  The sunday school answer is a definite No and I should expectantly feel reassured and comforted. Yet, I find it hard. I don’t know how people feel reassured and comforted, I wish I did, though.

I feel like I have to start from the beginning now. I need to re-learn how to pray, I need to re-learn how to read the Bible, I need to re-learn who God is. However, these things should already be part of me. I don’t know, I just feel wrong doing it because I don’t love God the way He loves me. Yet He continues to love me.

This aches my heart.

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