Deal breaker

I really should be studying since the exams marking the end of second year are happening in exactly one week’s time, so that doesn’t leave me too much time to try to cram as much as I can into the brain. But clearly I am not doing the right thing. I am thinking about important yet not-exam-related stuff, and it’s probably heavier than I thought, because I find it hard to just suppress with all the drug names or even the ever-so-soothing activity of highlighting. Funnily, the more I try to study the more I am distracted. So I am going to follow my heart and just see what she has to say, for now.

Deal breaker, that’s what’s distracting me. I don’t know if it’s because the one-year anniversary is coming up, or some other reasons I haven’t yet to figure out, but I am thinking about this one deal breaker that could potentially break the deal. Well, it’s still the same issue I find most difficult to resolve. Missions. For him, he’s pretty set on becoming long-term missionary doctor in a developing country, and this desire of his has been with him for quite some time, and is only further confirmed by the nature of his job. He did not think he was going to be a plastic surgeon since he wasn’t an as strong applicant compared to the others; he did not participate in any plastic surgery-related research nor did he spend any extra term in elective plastic surgery. He was accepted into a plastic surgery program which is not too far from his parents. For him, he truly believed it was God who put him there, because there was no way he could’ve done it himself. Also, he’s been on several short term missions and the needs out there are just so great that he simply cannot see himself inject botox or do face-lifts when he can use his skills to really bring life-changing experiences for people in those places.

While spending time in the missions fields, the only unanimous advice given to him by both short-term and long-term missionary doctors was ‘marry the right woman.’

Indeed, most of these doctors wouldn’t have been able to do what they do in the fields without their wives, at least that’s what Andrew tells me, from his own observations. I can kind of understand the importance of being a missionary and a missionary doctor’s wife. Well, a wife is a wife, whether she’s the wife of a school principal or the wife of a policeman or the wife of a big-name CEO, she plays a very important supporting role to her husband. I guess no matter what the man does at work, he wants to come home to a loving wife who will share the life with him in a much human-friendly way, without all the stress from work or complicated relationships with coworkers, but just a simple, steady kind of life with his wife. So in that sense, being a missionary doctor’s wife isn’t all that different. Yet, there’s clearly something extra to it.

Therefore, Andrew is looking for the right woman. I am not sure if I have the confidence to put up my hand and proudly say “me! I am your right woman!” And perhaps that’s what brought me to think about this one deal breaker that he mentioned to me very early on in our relationship, and still is a topic of our occasional serious conversations over Skype. Basically, he wants to go into missions, and if I decide not to, or not long term, then that will make us incompatible with each other, then the wise thing would be to break the deal because the purpose of our relationship is to explore the possibility of marriage.

I think he once said, he did say that it would be the deal breaker; however, he is not too sure now because he can’t imagine not being with me and he is committed to me. That is certainly sweet, and I am very blessed to have someone so committed to me. However, that does not make the deal breaker disappear. Let’s say we eventually do get married and even have children, and I decide not to go into missions, then what? He once said “well, in that case, at least one of us will be disappointed.” Well, in that case, he will be the one who’s disappointed. And I am not OK with that happening. I do not want him to be disappointed. I want him to be able to do what he wants to do, what God calls him to do. I do not want him to eventually resent me. That’s not how I envision my marriage should be. And it will certainly be much more difficult to break the deal at that time.

He said he’s willing to wait for me to figure out. Yet, the burden and obligation I have towards my parents will always be there, and that’s one of the main reasons I can’t easily say I am going to be a missionary in Africa, for instance. Well, of course if I were truly faithful and really trust that God is sovereign, I shouldn’t even need to worry, not about my future, not about my relationship with my parents, not about my parents. But I am not there yet, and I still worry. And this is a whole other issue.

So he’s gonna wait, but my issue is, how long is he willing to wait? Well, he is waiting now already, partly I am still in school. And he said he’s OK with waiting as long as we’re headed the same direction. But what if I am not? What if I eventually disappoint him? Then wouldn’t that make all this waiting pointless and even a waste of time?

I don’t know which is wiser, keep the deal and work at it with the same goal in mind or, break the deal now to avoid some potentially-much-more-difficult dealbreaking.

I suppose it’s time to go back to highlighting…

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