Purify my heart
Let me be as gold
And precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold
Pure gold

Refiner’s fire
My heart’s one desire
Is to be, Holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be, Holy
Set apart for You my Master
Ready to do Your will

Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within

Refiner’s fire
My heart’s one desire
Is to be, Holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be, Holy
Set apart for You my Master
Ready to do Your will

God initiates His own revelation to His people out of His graciousness. When we see God, we see His holiness.
But before I can see Him, I need to repent my sins and ask God to purify my heart. I suppose this is rather logical. How can I ever see Him when sin is in the way? I see Him through Jesus Christ, and Jesus Christ is sinless.

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.” Isaiah 6:3

hmm…..

Deal breaker, that’s what’s distracting me. I don’t know if it’s because the one-year anniversary is coming up, or some other reasons I haven’t yet to figure out, but I am thinking about this one deal breaker that could potentially break the deal. Well, it’s still the same issue I find most difficult to resolve. Missions. For him, he’s pretty set on becoming long-term missionary doctor in a developing country, and this desire of his has been with him for quite some time, and is only further confirmed by the nature of his job. He did not think he was going to be a plastic surgeon since he wasn’t an as strong applicant compared to the others; he did not participate in any plastic surgery-related research nor did he spend any extra term in elective plastic surgery. He was accepted into a plastic surgery program which is not too far from his parents. For him, he truly believed it was God who put him there, because there was no way he could’ve done it himself. Also, he’s been on several short term missions and the needs out there are just so great that he simply cannot see himself inject botox or do face-lifts when he can use his skills to really bring life-changing experiences for people in those places.

While spending time in the missions fields, the only unanimous advice given to him by both short-term and long-term missionary doctors was ‘marry the right woman.’

Indeed, most of these doctors wouldn’t have been able to do what they do in the fields without their wives, at least that’s what Andrew tells me, from his own observations. I can kind of understand the importance of being a missionary and a missionary doctor’s wife. Well, a wife is a wife, whether she’s the wife of a school principal or the wife of a policeman or the wife of a big-name CEO, she plays a very important supporting role to her husband. I guess no matter what the man does at work, he wants to come home to a loving wife who will share the life with him in a much human-friendly way, without all the stress from work or complicated relationships with coworkers, but just a simple, steady kind of life with his wife. So in that sense, being a missionary doctor’s wife isn’t all that different. Yet, there’s clearly something extra to it.

Therefore, Andrew is looking for the right woman. I am not sure if I have the confidence to put up my hand and proudly say “me! I am your right woman!” And perhaps that’s what brought me to think about this one deal breaker that he mentioned to me very early on in our relationship, and still is a topic of our occasional serious conversations over Skype. Basically, he wants to go into missions, and if I decide not to, or not long term, then that will make us incompatible with each other, then the wise thing would be to break the deal because the purpose of our relationship is to explore the possibility of marriage.

I think he once said, he did say that it would be the deal breaker; however, he is not too sure now because he can’t imagine not being with me and he is committed to me. That is certainly sweet, and I am very blessed to have someone so committed to me. However, that does not make the deal breaker disappear. Let’s say we eventually do get married and even have children, and I decide not to go into missions, then what? He once said “well, in that case, at least one of us will be disappointed.” Well, in that case, he will be the one who’s disappointed. And I am not OK with that happening. I do not want him to be disappointed. I want him to be able to do what he wants to do, what God calls him to do. I do not want him to eventually resent me. That’s not how I envision my marriage should be. And it will certainly be much more difficult to break the deal at that time.

He said he’s willing to wait for me to figure out. Yet, the burden and obligation I have towards my parents will always be there, and that’s one of the main reasons I can’t easily say I am going to be a missionary in Africa, for instance. Well, of course if I were truly faithful and really trust that God is sovereign, I shouldn’t even need to worry, not about my future, not about my relationship with my parents, not about my parents. But I am not there yet, and I still worry. And this is a whole other issue.

So he’s gonna wait, but my issue is, how long is he willing to wait? Well, he is waiting now already, partly I am still in school. And he said he’s OK with waiting as long as we’re headed the same direction. But what if I am not? What if I eventually disappoint him? Then wouldn’t that make all this waiting pointless and even a waste of time?

I don’t know which is wiser, keep the deal and work at it with the same goal in mind or, break the deal now to avoid some potentially-much-more-difficult dealbreaking.

I suppose it’s time to go back to highlighting…

I was happy because I was fed good food and got to play with the DSLR. Oh, and talking to Rodney was rather fun as well. This amazing friend of his, Brendon, that he kept telling me about, indeed sounds quite amazing. Having travelled and lived in India then Taiwan then Thailand and worked in the peace corps and now residing in New York. I say Rodeny’s got some pretty funny American humor going on.

In my heart, though, I kinda felt…guilty? Pastor Ben’s places and fellow YFers should be so familiar to me that I shouldn’t need to feel “oh, it’s been a while since I was here,” or ask people that I had already met for their names. I forgot about them because it’s been too long since I see them at YF due to my absence.

I should feel like I belong to this happy family, and indeed I do, and no one seems to have raised any objection to my presence at least. However, I kind of feel I don’t anymore because I have not been a good Christian like everyone else who deserves this wonderful family. I even disliked the all-too-Singaporean culture and thought that just wasn’t my style. What have I lost? I think it’s more than what I can describe with words. People asked, “Kim! How come you don’t come to YF anymore?” Faith said to me, “Kim, thank you for the e-mail. I hope to catch up with you soon!” So…seems like the deal is that people still see me as part of YF, part of this wonderful family, even though I have turned my back towards them.

Well, perhaps this shouldn’t come as a surprise, but as a consequence I knew too well since the day I turned my back towards God.

Funny, since I didn’t grow up in a Christian family and was only exposed to Christianity in university, I should know better the difference between life with God and life without God. Perhaps I was too young to have a better discernment. But I am not young anymore, so I should know better and do better. It’s not like I didn’t know the sweetness of God’s love and all the grace and blessing He has never ceased giving me. I know, yet I choose to look elsewhere. I know I am causing Him to anger and grieve, just like how the Israelite were. Yet God did not forsake them.

Will God eventually give up on me because I am such a stubborn, rebellious person? (I wouldn’t even dare claim to be His child anymore)  The sunday school answer is a definite No and I should expectantly feel reassured and comforted. Yet, I find it hard. I don’t know how people feel reassured and comforted, I wish I did, though.

I feel like I have to start from the beginning now. I need to re-learn how to pray, I need to re-learn how to read the Bible, I need to re-learn who God is. However, these things should already be part of me. I don’t know, I just feel wrong doing it because I don’t love God the way He loves me. Yet He continues to love me.

This aches my heart.

I had a 2-hour conversation with Andrew today. It was about missions. Nothing new, as this is a topic we have discussed very early on in our relationship. And somehow it never really left us with a happy feeling or some sort of closure, because the truth is, there’s too many “I don’t know’s”, too many “What if’s”, but not enough faith. Mainly on my part.

I kept replaying what I said in my head, “What if I don’t want to do it?”, “What does it take for me to have the same kind of conviction as him?”

Then I realised something, and I am deeply troubled. It’s more than just not enough faith. It’s something much more serious.

I realised that my heart has gradually hardened for some unknown period of time. Unknown because my heart has never really been there to keep track. I have been sitting on the fence, been a Christian that’s not too far from a marginal one, for too long. There is no daily bible reading, no daily quiet time with the Lord, haphazard prayers on days when I am “in the mood.” Perhaps it started with decreased desire of meeting with fellow Christians with some too easy excuses, too much work and too little time. Perhaps the sclerotic process started even earlier, or it never really went away ever since I became a Christian?

I don’t have the same kind of joy and excitement when someone becomes a Christian, which I should.
I don’t actively share the gospel with my parents because I don’t think they will ever receive the Christ, which I should.

I no longer have the kind of understanding (or have I ever had?) and anticipation for His return or for the eternal life as promised to each Christian. I can’t see it. I can only see what’s in front of me, which is work upon work. And I shouldn’t.

I don’t want to spend time going to fellowships, I don’t want to spend time studying the bible with fellow Christians, I don’t want to attend events that are health for my spiritual relationship with God. What do I want? I just want to sit and study because I have too much to study and too little time to do it.

What has become of me?

Christian is no longer who I am, but more just like a name tag so that I can appear to be belonging to the family of Christ.

I think I need help.  I ask myself: “When was the last time I “rejoiced exceedingly with great joy” or “fell to the ground and worshiped Him”? What keeps me from sensing this kind of awe on a regular basis? And what could help to keep me in a state of mind and spirit that is routinely amazed at who Jesus is?”

I was holding my bible one day after church service, sitting there, and somehow, I was attracted to the actual action of holding the bible. it was a weird sensation, but i was amazed at how fortunate I was to be able to physically hold on to this book that is full of wisdom, grace, mercy and love. And no matter how many times I read the same passage, it never bores me; rather, it always discloses something new that I haven’t realized before, for whatever reason. So I am thankful for such ‘freshness’ of the bible. I am thankful that it takes time, in fact,  the entire life time and beyond, for me to learn the word of God.

Recently, a good friend of mine  is struggling with certain aspects of spirituality. It is encouraging to see that he’s burdened for his church, for his brothers and sisters; at the same time, it concerns me to see how hard he’s been trying to rely on his own strength to make people change. We change, but we can’t make people change, even though that seems to be something we all like to do. Only God can change heart. So today at our bible study, we committed our friend in prayer; and when I came home, he messaged me and told me that he’s in a better position now even though he still doesn’t quite know what’s bothering him so much. So I was like “wow!” that was a very fast answered prayer! But yah, I believe that it will take time for him to come to recognize and fully accept that he needs to look to Him for strength and guidence. It takes time, but it is worth it.

I moved into my new home on July 4, so I thought, what  better time to re-start documenting this new exciting journey of living with my two favorite people in Brisbane, the ah sa and the gracie tso, eh? Now is the time.

Hello 61 Dell. 
p.s. I killed my first cockroach in the house yesterday, with some cleaning detergent, as I did not want to contaminate my shoe, and it gave me great joy to see it wiggle its 6 legs vigorously suffering in the poisonous chemical. I am so cruel.  First step in conquering my abnormal phobia of cockroaches. The thought of seeing more of this ugliest grossest creature plus having to kill them just activates my eretor pilli.

For about two hours today my internet and mobile were not working b/c 3 was upgrading its connection. Funny how there was no announcement on the website. I was trying to do some work at home while waiting for the connection to start working again, but sadly, I was so restless and I had to pack my stuff and head to school, so that I could call 3 to ask what was going on AND use the internet at school. Pathetic. I don’t know why couldn’t I have just be paitent and just sit through that short two hours of communicationless with the world. It was almsot making me panic. It probably did.

I couldn’t help but to imagine IF this will ever be the reaction I have when I’m blocked off all the access to the Bible. Would I ever panic because I can’t have easy access to my Bible? I think this just shows how much I’ve fallen short, short of being God’s child. Yet He’s still so generous with his steadfast grace and unfailing love, everyday, everything, everywhere.

God’s blessing covers such huge range. The weather forecast said it will rain today, and it did, still is raining, well, more like pouring. I was outdoor today in the morning walking to class, no rain; bussing to Toowong with the intention to buy bread only but ended up doing some moderate grocery shopping and walked home, no rain; walking to school restlessly and perhaps with some frustration, no rain; walking home from school kinda annoyed with the humidity in the air, still no rain. However, as if God didn’t want the rain to add onto my blahness today, the rain would wait till I get inside a building or get home before it dropped its components like crazy. 4 good timings today. lucky. God’s blessing.

Managing quite well for one month in a new country, amazing. Yet, even more so, God’s blessing has been with me every second since I’ve got here. God is awesome. Happy Valentine’s Day.